I regret, but it's okey

I really regret the fact that I didn't kiss you.

I should have, the moment was so perfect (the moments, actually, there were several that night). It didn't came again, and it never will, you're moving and things are different. I would have done so much to go back to that night (friday night, 26.nov2010) and kiss you, just to see… The electrisity in the air, it was insane, amazing, I've never experiensed something like that before, it was... insane. And I loved it. That's the feeling I'm seeking for.
And I found it. But I backed out. I got "cold feets", as they say. I was so worried about the consecvenses that I didn't grab the oppertunety, and I regret it.

With that said, I am still happy. I've had a great weekend, and even though I regret it, I am able to think that then at least I wont make that mistake again. Which is quite huge, because usually I would have felt so awful because I missed that perfect moment.
But I am happy. I'll go to bed and wish for the moment to come back, but it's okey.
♥

I'm tired

I'm tired of not having money
I'm tired of having to find bad excuses not to join people
I'm tired of not being able to pay for myself whenever I'm at a café
I'm tired of school, and homework, and late nights
I'm tired of having to dissapoint at least one of you, no matter what I do
I'm tired of being too late
I'm tired of having things I don't like as my highest priority
I'm tired of your looks
I'm tired of never being enough

I can't handle this

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

She talked to me again. Reminded me of my failure. Reminded me that she knows who I am. It is the worst thing ever, I have no idea how to handle this. I was starting to get okey with it, didn't thing much about it... And then she reminds me. "It's strange that I know who you are, but you don't have any idea who I am. And I am actually a bit scared to tell you. Strange, huh? It's not like I think you would tell all our friends who I am or anything. I won't do that to you".

I sure as hell hope you wont. I would have to delete it, and that would be awfully sad. But I hate this. I hate that I talked to someone who knows me! What are the odds?? FUCK!
And she lied. She knows me well. We have the same friends. Hang at the same places.

I wish I never started this shit at all. I hate it. How can this happen? I've worked 15 years, building up this wall, this cover, this image, this... me. And then, just because I desperately wanted a stupid letter in my mail, I blew it all. It's done. Over. Destroyed. I am just another disgusting, weak, pathetic idiot who complains and cries about everything. I don't think anyone can understand how much I've put in this over the years. All the effort, the late nights, the fights and all the other things. It's my entire life, and now everything is gone.

She didn't even send me a letter. I'm such an idiot. I shouldn't be here, I've ruined my own life. Ruined. For good. For ever. And that's a long fucking time.
Fuck.
I hate this.

She knows who I am

She knows me.

When I gave her my name, my real name and told her who I was, it was with confidence that this is a big country, she has no clue who I am. I knew it was stupid, but it was such a tempting offer. She would send letters, I would get it in my mailbox and be able to look at pictures of her dailylife and such... And I figured that I would problaby get her name too, and it wouldn't be so bad, and she offered me to be anonymous, but than it would only be mail and I'd really like letters...

She's not giving me her name. She's not giving me her adress. She's not giving away anything, except the knowledge that I will get my letter soon, and that she knows me. SHE KNOWS ME!
Not well, we're not like good friends, but she knows who I am. There's a reason why I keep the blog a secret, why I keep it anonymous. I shouldn't have forgotten.

I'm an idiot. Fuck.

*

Friday 13th. It's not such a bad day after all...

13.08-15.08 2010. Best weekend ever < 3

F as in fail

And here I go again.
It may not be good for me, but I don't fucking care. I love it. It's the only fucking thing that keeps me a tiny bit sane here.

But
I'm horrible.
I suck.
I'm the worst, most useless asshole on earth.
I'm an idiot.
Like in, pretty damn stupid.
Like in, I fail every fucking class at school.
Oh, and did I mention my examn?
Hm. No I didn't. And I'm never, ever doing it again either...
How the fuck am I going to tell my parents this?
I'm not sure if I can handle letting them down like this...

I am useless

No lie, I am.
I fucking hate it.

I wasn't trying to brag

I wish you understood how my self-esteem is. I wasn't trying to brag about it or anything, I just thought the picture was cute, and showed it to you because he's your son and I thought you would like to see a cute picture of him.
I know I'm not a good photographer, I just thought it was a nice picture. (one in a hundred can be good, no matter if you're good or bad!)

"ehm, it's okey..." is not a nice respons, you could've just shut your mouth! I didn't ask for you to judge it or anything, I simply said "Take a look!"

...

*funny how one small comment and two condescending eyes like that can ruin such a good mood.

You're angry

I don't think I've done anything wrong this time... Not that wrong at least. I was drunk and the message sounded a bit worse than I thought, I can see that now, but still...
I'll send you a message to tell you that I'm sorry now, but to be honest, it doesn't bother me much if you don't forgive me.

Do you remember?

Remember when the three of us layed in the grass and drank beer for almost the first time? Our bestfriend was talking while we listened. And we were holding hands and looking at the stars and life was, for a few moments, nearly perfect... '<3